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Sah Vs Sah


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IN A SKYRIM FAR FAR AWAY

 

LAKE VIEW MANOR

Sah: guys guys, this was very disappointing, no team work, and total lack of commitment, our approach is reckless; we just can’t rush in with all arrows blazing!

Archer Sah: what about we rush in with some arrows blazing?

Sah: No

Archer Sah: what about one arrow blazing?

Thief Sah: I want to protest

Pacifist Sah: what’s the matter?

Thief Sah: why do I have to do all the sneaking?, everyone is looking at my butt

Pacifist Sah: well, It would help if you put on some panties

Sah: guys we are getting side tracked, our focus is on how to take out Nimhe the giant spider in Markarth?

Thief Sah: we could use insect replant?

Pacifist Sah: or a real big glass?

Archer Sah: we can go and visit Hroki

Sah: Horki? witch one is that?

Archer Sah: Silver-Blood Inn ... sabertooth g-string

Sah: yea, I remember her

Thief Sah: it would make a good slingshot hehehe

Sah: good idea, Archer Sah are you listening? ....It’s your job to take out the giant spider

Archer Sah: uhmmm what? ... still having flashbacks about the sabertooth slingshot

Sah: hello ... The giant spider, you go in slingshot blazing

Archer Sah: fantastic ... lets go see Hroki.

Sah: where are the rest of the guys?

Pacifist Sah: Mage Sah is in Winterhold trying to stop the mages from moving to Hogwarts

Sah: what about Assassin Sah?

Pacifist Sah: don't tell me you forgot?

Sah: yea that's right, Assassin Sah is having electroshock therapy for multiple personality disorder

 

MARKARTH, NcHUAND-ZEL EXCAVATION SITE

Sah: quiet guys, this is a quick insertion, its in and out, who has the list?

Pacifist Sah: that's me, all under control

Sah: OK this is the plan, we kill the spider and grab all the loot on the list, Archer Sah will cover us with the slingshot, you did remember to bring it?

Archer Sah: yes I did, Thief Sah is wearing it

Sah: Thief Sah take the slingshot off, we got work to do

Thief Sah: I protest! every one will be looking at me again

Pacifist Sah: oh shut up, you like it

Sah: are we ready?, on the count of three, one ... two ...

Pacifist Sah: sorry to interrupt your beautiful count down, but are you sure we are after loot?, the list says buy eye liner, shampoo & conditioner, nail polish, lipstick, & battery's for Mr ... ohhh never mind, but nothing about loot?

Thief Sah: I knew it was a mistake to bring her along

Sah: will deal with her later, but I need you to take off the slingshot right now

Archer Sah: yea stop stalling and take off the slingshot

Pacifist Sah: yes stop stalling, people have paid good money for this

Thief Sah: why are you holding a video camera?

Sah: its going to be one of those days

 

LATER THAT DAY

Sah: surprise, look who is back? .... Its Mage & Assassin Sah

Assassin Sah:  tra la la, tra la lee, da da dum dum

Sah: see told you the therapy would work

Assassin Sah: Let's kill someone?

Archer Sah: yep! she is back to normal

Mage Sah: so what did I miss?

Archer Sah: the usual, Thief Sah forgot to put on her slingshot again

Thief Sah: I want to protest

Pacifist Sah: oh not again, that's all you do, just protest?

Thief Sah: what did I say?, I've got rights too

Pacifist Sah:  one day I am going to hurt you real bad

Thief Sah: why are you so angry?

Pacifist Sah: I AM NOT ANGRY!

Thief Sah: you sound angry?

Pacifist Sah: well, I'm angry now, but I wasn't before

Mage Sah: so whats the plan?

Sah: we came to Skyrim to pursue a dream, and now that dream's turned into ...

Mage Sah: a nightmare?

Sah: can you let me finish?

Mage Sah: oh, sorry

Sah: as I was saying, the dream

Pacifist Sah: what dream?

Sah: well it lost its impact now?

Mage Sah: is it the one about being stuck in a cage like some animal at the zoo?

Archer Sah: that was not a dream

Pacifist Sah: what do you mean?

Archer Sah: remember Thief Sah's part time strippers job?

Thief Sah: I protest, it was a full time job

Pacifist Sah: here we go again

Sah: guys, I was speaking metaphorically

Mage Sah: about witch part? the dream or stripper job?

Assassin Sah: stab, stab, stab!

Archer Sah: that's right Assassin Sah, No tip ... stab, stab, stab!

Thief Sah: I think that's why the strip joint closed down in the first place bad tippers

Sah: as I was saying, the dream

Assassin Sah: I got an idea Thief Sah? its time you get a new job

Thief Sah: I protest

Pacifist Sah: I am going to hurt you

Archer Sah: I will go get the video camera

Thief Sah: what do you need the camera for?

Sah: this is turning into a nightmare

Mage Sah: see I told you

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JOB FROM THE COMPANIONS

 

Sah: good news guys we got a job from the Companions 

Pacifist Sah: its about time, we're broke

[Thief Sah is sobbing in the corner]

Sah: whats up with her? 

Archer Sah: she had a hot date with Brynjolf and he dumped her 

Theif Sah: I protest ...ohhh why me? 

Pacifist Sah: here we go again! 

Thief Sah: I haven't heard from him since yesterday. I've called, left messages even tried sending nude pictures by courier but no response. 

Sah: there's probably a perfectly good explanation. 

Thief Sah: you think so? 

Assassin Sah: he could be seeing some one else? 

Mage Sah:  there you go that sounds like a  perfectly good explanation 

Assassin Sah: he could be dead? 

Thief Sah: thanks guys you make me feel so much better 

Sah: YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE about this job from the Companions, some one has been kidnapped & its our job to rescue them. 

Pacifist Sah: cant the Companions do it? 

Archer Sah: yea they just keep on giving us crappy and underpaid jobs 

Sah: NO.... this job is special and needs our upmost discretion 

Pacifist Sah: our lips are sealed we got any suspects? 

Archer Sah: any ransom demand? 

Assassin Sah: any letters with body parts? 

Thief Sah: who is the victim? 

Sah: Victims name is Nazeem, and just about every one in Whiterun is a suspect, we have not received any body parts yet, but we got a note, we have to rescue him from Lost Echo Cave and escort him back.

 

[Suddenly out from deep under the covers appears .....]

Reporter Sah: hello beloved readers 

Sah: what in the name of Talos? 

Mage Sah: Ohhhh, think I just ....  my self 

Reporter Sah: this one is deep undercover, and is following up on a kidnapping story 

Sah: how do you know about that? 

Reporter Sah: Twitter 

Sah: what?.... you tweeted it? 

Thief Sah: sorry 

Pacifist Sah: whats done is done but will deal with you later 

Reporter Sah: whats the story? ... what do you have so far? 

Assassin Sah: Brynjolf dumped Thief Sah 

Thief Sah: I protest! 

Pacifist Sah: not again, keep it up and will hurt you 

Reporter Sah: he could be dead or even worse seeing some one else 

Assassin Sah: that's what I said but the other way around 

Reporter Sah: no its not the same, being dead is much better from seeing someone else

Thief Sah: Good point! .... I hope Brynjolf is dead because if hes not and seeing someone else ...I will kill him my self

Sah: guys guys focus on the Mission please 

Mage Sah: wait ...your not letting her stay? 

Reporter Sah: this one is deep undercover and would like to be embedded 

Pacifist Sah: embedded with what? 

Thief Sah: so you really think hes dead? 

Reporter Sah: wants to be embedded into the team, the readers want to know what its like working for the Companions? 

Archer Sah:  they just keep giving us crap and underpaid jobs 

MAGE SAH: and don't forget all the ticks & fleas 

Thief Sah: and you have to be discrete 

Sah: speaking of missions .....how about we focus on this one 

Assassin Sah: was hoping you forgot 

Pacifist Sah: yea cant the companions do it? 

Thief Sah: do what?. .

 

[swinging a slingshot above her head]

Reporter Sah: this slingshot is so cool 

Sah: in the name of Mara who gave her a slingshot? 

Thief Sah:  I gave her my slingshot 

Sah: why on Nirn did you do that? 

Thief Sah: she would have stolen it anyways 

Archer Sah: its not my fault we only have one 

Thief Sah: and you know?.. remember... the inbedding thing?

Sah: what inbedding thing?

Reporter Sah: yea and please don't forget my secret initiation! 

Assassin Sah: embedded you idiot not inbedded your hearing aid not working again? 

Thief Sah: what? 

Sah: she's a reporter, you don't give reporters slingshots! only a idiot would give a reporter a slingshot 

Thief Sah: I protest!!!! 

Pacifist Sah: you heard that 

Reporter Sah: why dose she always say I protest all the time? 

Assassin Sah: she's a thief what you expect her to say I confess 

Sah: you reporter careful where you point that thing 

Reporter Sahhmmm Hroki had her g-string stolen a few night ago, might have to investigate and do a story? 

Pacifist Sah: please don't tell me your going deep undercover again? 

Archer Sah: wow going deep undercover when your already deep undercover 

Pacifist Sah: is that even possible? 

Assassin Sah: be very hot 

Sah: we cant sit here talking about mission details all day ....OK lets get going 

Pacifist Sah: not sure about one thing the embedded part, embed her with what? 

Thief Sah: what?

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LOST ECO CAVE

 

Narrators Voice: "Previously on Sah vs Sah's" 

Archer Sah: "what.... who said that?" 

Mage Sah: "Ohhh ....think I just my self!" 

Assassin Sah: "ohh no the voices are back again?" 

Narrators Voice:  "Previously on Sah vs Sah's" 

Archer Sah: "there it is again?" 

Mage Sah: "Ohhh ....think I just my self again" 

Assassin Sah: "I knew it was only a matter of time before we started hearing voices and stuff"

Narrators Voice:  "As I said Previously on Sah vs Sah's, Ohhh forget it ...... " 

 

[after some time]

Narrators Voice: "And now the Conclusion of Sah vs Sah's" 

Archer Sah: "what.... her we go again....who said that?" 

Mage Sah: "Ohhh ....think I just my self....AGAIN"

Assassin Sah: "please dont send me for electroshock therapy for multiple personality disorder again" 

Pacifist Sah: "RELAX.....deep breaths......breath into the paper bag"

Narrators Voice:  "why do I get all the Armatures? …. as I said AND NOW THE CONCLUSION of Sah vs Sah's" 

 

OUTSIDE LOST ECO CAVE

Reporter Sah: "Hello beloved readers its 8am Sunday, and we are standing outside of Lost Eco Cave …."

Sah: "I wish she hurry up"

Mage Sah: "yea I had to cancel my Pilates session with that hot Elf instructor"

Sah: "since when did being tortured become a Pilates workout?"

Mage Sah: "TORTURE?"

Sah: "yea you idiot that hot Elf is a Thalmor Justiciar"

Mage Sah: "and your point is?"

Reporter Sah: "As I was saying we are standing outside of Lost Eco Cave & this is what we know so far about the kidnapping of Nazeem"

Assassin Sah: "he's in a cave somewhere?"

Thief Sah: "got a idea! … we can go around the back and use the back door"

Reporter Sah: "caves don't have back doors ....hey where did every one go?"

Thief Sah: "they all went around the back to use the back door"

 

[some time later at the back door]

Reporter Sah: "Hello beloved readers it's now 9am Sunday, and we are standing outside of the back door of Lost Eco Cave …."

Sah: "wish she hurry up"

Mage Sah: "yea I had to cancel my Pilates session with that hot Elf instructor"

Sah: "since when did being tortured become a Pilates workout?"

Mage Sah: "TORTURE?"

Sah: "didn't we just do this a moment ago?"

Reporter Sah: "this one is embedded with a Elite Companions Black Ops Secret Team witch is ready to storm Lost Eco Cave and save kidnapped Nazeem"

Pacifist Sah: "I knew it …. she on about the embedding thing again?"

Reporter Sah: "Victims name is Nazeem, and just about every one in Whiterun is a suspect, we have not received any body parts yet, but we got a note"

Archer Sah: "are we getting paid for this?"

Sah: "yep"

Archer Sah: "how much?"

Sah: "the usual Elite Companions Black Ops rates … 100 gold"

Archer Sah: "and how much is the ransom?'

Sah: "10.000 gold"

Archer Sah: "OK is it just me? ….. what's wrong with this picture?"

Assassin Sah: "uhmm no body parts?"

Reporter Sah: "THEFT, BERGLARY, KIDNAPINGS, ASULT, TRESPASSING, BRIBARY, MURDER, KILLING PEOPLE the list goes on and on and on"

Pacifist Sah: "wow sounds like these bandits might be a hand full"

Mage Sah: "naaaa ….. she's talking about us silly"

Reporter Sah: "the situation seems hopeless beloved readers … "

Pacifist Sah: "where is Assassin Sah?"

Sah: "she's over there talking to someone" 

 

[near by over there]

Assassin Sah: "hello there"

R2-D2: Beep bopp bipp

Assassin Sah: "what press this button here?" 

 

[suddenly a hologram appears]

Princess Leia: "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi"

Assassin Sah: "uhm yes ... I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi"

Princess Leia: "many good spys gave there life to get the opening credits to Starfields!"

 

[Assassin Sah opens the top secret file]

Ham Polo: "Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the Nebula, right? Teleported right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that shuttle thief over there."

Shuttle Thief: "Damn you Rebels. Starthingie was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If they hadn't been looking for you, I could've stolen that shuttle and been halfway to Pluto. You there... You and me, we shouldn't be here. It's these Rebels the Empire wants."

Ham Polo: "We're all brothers and sisters in energy cuffs now, shuttle thief."

Imperial Piolet: "Shut up back there!"

Shuttle Thief: "And what's wrong with him, huh?"

Ham Polo: "Watch your tongue. You're speaking to Todd, the true High King of Planet Beth"

Shuttle Thief: "Todd? The King of Planet Beth? You're the leader of Bethesda. But if they've captured you... Oh gods, where are they taking us?"

Ham Polo: "I don't know where we're going, but a death ray awaits"

Shuttle Thief: "No, this can't be happening. This isn't happening."

Ham Polo: "Hey, what planet are you from, shuttle thief?"

Shuttle Thief: "Why do you care?"

Ham Polo: "A Human's last thoughts should be of home."

Shuttle Thief: "Pluto. I'm... I'm from Pluto."

 

[Voice on the shuttle intercom]

Shuttle Intercom Voice: "Darth Sony, sir! The Death Ray is waiting!"

Darth Sony: "Good. Let's get this over with, we must wipe out these mod sympathizers once and for all"

Shuttle Thief: "Shor, Mara, Dibella, Kynareth, Akatosh. Divines, please help me I’m really from Skyrim"

Ham Solo: "Look at him, Darth Sony, the Military Governor of Planet PS4. And it looks like the Thalmor are with him. Damn Elves. I bet they had something to do with this. This is the Death Star. I used to be sweet on a holographic girl from here. Wonder if they are still making that mead with synthetic juniper berries mixed in. Funny, when I was a boy, Imperial Star Destroyers and Death Star space stations used to make me feel so safe"

 

Narrators Voice: "If you think your confused its OK ...your not alone" 

Archer Sah: "what what what.... there is that voice again....who said that?" 

Mage Sah: "Ohhh ....think I just my self....AGAIN" 

Narrators Voice: "what dose all this have to do with Lost Eco Cave?" 

Assassin Sah: "remains silent" 

 

[Back at Lost Eco Cave]

Sah: "OK guys ... get ready to storm the cave, on the count of three ... one ...two ..." 

Mage Sah: "sorry to interrupt your beautiful count down, but I would like to protest, do we have too, cant the Companions do it?" 

Thief Sah: "what! what!.......I protest too, she is using my line"

Pacifist Sah: "keep it up .....and I will slap you"

Thief Sah: "slap me?"

Pacifist Sah: "yes slap you ....you have it coming"

Thief Sah: "have it coming?"

Archer Sah: "your hearing aid not working again? its amazing your a thief"

Assassin Sah: "this is getting boring no body parts .... I'm off to the beach to kill some time"

Sah: "you cant leave now we have to think of a way to save Nazeem"

Assassin Sah: " I think better lying down"

Mage Sah: "wait I'm coming too, call me if you need some magic or do it your self"

Thief Sah: "what beach?"

Pacifist Sah: "oh for the name of Mara.....just put up the volume or check the battery's"

Archer Sah: "we used the battery's from her hearing aid for Mr Happy!"

Pacifist Sah: "I'm off to the beach too"

Archer Sah: "me too"

Sah: "but what about Nazeem?"

Thief Sah: "hey? ... where did every one go?"

 

Narrators Voice: "and when you just think its all over ... Big Cosmic Events witch are happening on a Big Cosmic Scale are in motion?"

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IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE FAR FAR AWAY

 

[Skyrim 3021AD]

TIME MACHINE: Program desired location. 

TIME AGENT SAH: Earth, United States, Bethesda Games Studios, Rockville, Maryland

TIME MACHINE: Time period? 

TIME AGENT SAH: 2021, A.D. 

TIME MACHINE: File or access code. 

TIME AGENT SAH: File Dixon Hill, Female version, private detective. 

TIME MACHINE: You are now Private Detective Sah, Enter when ready.

 

Time Agent Sah’s Personal Log. I'm entering the Skyrim time vortex, a place where you can use mods and change your reality, creating new worlds out of thin air. Highly useful in roleplaying and very enjoyable. My new identity is Private Detective Sah and this mission should be easy, but I'm not so sure about this anymore something not right, someone stole the Bethesda Private Chat Button without leaving a trace of evidence, who has the power and know-how how to pull this off? ... it's my job to go back in time and find out who it was and bring them to justice and recover the stolen button?

 

[1000 Years in the past - Time Agent Sah still dressed in her Skyrim armors, goes along a corridor and opens a door marked 312 – Sah Private Investigator]

Secretary: Very funny, Sah. What'd you do, lose another bet? 

Detective Sah: I'm sorry, I don't understand?

Secretary: The Skyrim armor. Where you moonlighting at the Winkingskiver? 

Detective Sah: Ahhh the armor. It's totally inappropriate. I should have changed. 

Secretary: If anyone sees you like that you will be sent to the funny farm. Mr. Dengeir from Falkreath called twice asking if you got the letter from Lod’s house? ... and there's a lady named Beth waiting in your office. Nice legs.

Detective Sah: Thank you

Secretary: Not your legs. Hers.

 

[Detective Sah opens the door to her inner office]

Beth: Don't you look special in your Skyrim armors.

Detective Sah: Uhmmm yea ... uhmmm nice legs!. 

Beth: Oh well, at least you're ready for Arrow in the Knee Day. 

Detective Sah: Arrow in the Knee Day? 

Beth: Please I need your help! Someone stole the Personal Chat Button.

Detective Sah: Are you sure?

Beth: Yes I'm sure, one day it was there and the next day it was gone. 

Detective Sah: It could have been a hurt angry ex-lover, who stole it? 

Beth: Perhaps. Or perhaps it's something more sinister. I need you to find out. Name your fee. 

Detective Sah: Twenty pieces of wood a day, plus travel expenses. 

Beth: Agreed. 

Detective Sah: I haven't said yes yet. 

Beth: Oh, you'll say yes, I know you can't resist Pushing a Button 

Detective Sah: Uhmm ... not now im working ... I'll just take your word for it.

 

[Beth takes one of Detective Sah’s calling cards and leaves. Detective Sah looks out of the window]

Time Agent Sah’s Personal Log.  The longer you look out a window you will eventually see a reflection of your self in the glass, and I did not like what I saw, No makeup and my hair was like it was that time of the month, Time was running out, the thing with time travel is that it has very nasty side effects like your body not rendering the correct textures or using vanilla hairstyles, there was only one solution to my problem and that was to get help from Private Detective Nick Valentine from Diamond City, If anyone can track down a button it would be him.

 

[That same night Detective Sah and Nick Valentine go to Bethesda and are investigating the crime scene]

Detective Sah: Any suggestions, Nick?

Nick Valentine: I am at a loss, The Button was here and now it's gone, someone removed the button and now there is nowhere to input any commands. The controls for the environment are, therefore, not accessible.

Detective Sah: Any other clues?

Nick Valentine: Who ever did this had very sticky fingers, they must have been eating something stick when they stole the button

Detective Sah: that narrows down the suspects, we are looking for someone who has a sticky keyboard and mouse

 

[Suddenly the lights turn on and there is an armed gunman pointing a gun in Detective Sah’s face]

Bethesda Moderator: Good day, Caught you in the act Miss Sah. My name is Pseron. I hope you don't mind me dropping in.

Detective Sah: I see I have no choice.

Bethesda Moderator: Life is an endless stream of choices. Unfortunately, you have chosen to make my life more difficult.

Detective Sah: Uhmm not intentionally.

Bethesda Moderator: Still, I'm sure you won't mind if I help you out a little.

Detective Sah: I wish you'd quit asking your the one holding the gun, duh it's obvious you're going to help anyway. 

Bethesda Moderator: I'm a tolerant man, but someone stole the Chat Button and you obviously need my help finding it

Nick Valentine: that's an understatement

Detective Sah: Your devotion to etiquette is highly admirable. However, your methods leave much to be desired.

Bethesda Moderator: Look over there what's that on the floor?

Detective Sah: Looks like a note.

Bethesda Moderator: Yeah. That's must be your note, it must have dropped out of your pocket?

Detective Sah: My note?

Bethesda Moderator: You're a little thick in the brains department aren't you ... just read the note!

 

[Detective Sah reads the note]

Word on the street says that CD Projekt stole the chat button.  They are currently holding it for ransom in the basement of an abandoned warehouse in downtown Warsaw.  They disguise their voice by placing a handkerchief over the phone when they make their demands. They have threatened to cut off a piece of the chat button and mail it to Bethesda if Bethesda doesn't cough up the ransom money.  

PS:  Pseron you didn't hear it from me.

Time Agent Sah’s Personal Log. Finally, I have a lead and everything is pointing to a basement of an abandoned warehouse in downtown Warsaw which is owned by the CD Projekt Cartel, Something about this Pseron guy has me spooked, he looks very familiar but can't put my finger on who he is. And this note how did it end up on the floor? it looks like the cleaners at Bethesda do a crap job. After catching a plane we have arrived in Warsaw following the instructions on the note.

 

BETHESDA SAFE HOUSE – WARSAW

 

[The Bethesda safe house is a apartment with a panoramic view of the city. Sketches, pads, overfilled ashtrays, and equipment are strewn everywhere. Nick is demonstrating the new Bra-cam to Detective Sah]

Nick Valentine:  Put it on … Testing, testing ... Do you hear me?

Detective Sah: No, I can't hear you somethings not working, where do I put the earpiece?

Nick Valentine: No, no don't stick it up you're… put the earpiece in your ear. Can you hear me now?

Detective Sah: Loud and clear.

Nick Valentine: Look to your right, then back to me. There's a camera built right into the bra. Where ever you point your breasts it sees and transmits it back here. Can you hear me?

Detective Sah: You're enjoying this?

Nick Valentine: Now just jump up and down so we can test the bounce physics

Detective Sah: You better not be recording this?

 

[Later that night  at the Secret CD Projekt abandoned wearhouse - Up in the ceiling above it, one of the screws starts to move in the ventilator shaft, unscrewing. When it appears ready to drop out, a thin strip of metal snakes out from between the bars of the shaft and edges up next to the screw. The screw drops out of its hole but it doesn't drop to the floor, the screw attaches with a gentle CLICK to a magnet. The screw is pulled up, through the shaft. Now the whole shaft moves. Detective Sah's head descends slowly into the room, her hair falling in front of her. At first, it seems she's just poking her head in for a look, but she keeps coming and coming - first her head, then shoulders, then waist, then knees, and finally, we see her ankles. Detective Sah descends again, slowly but steadily, until she is at the same height as the computer terminal to hang horizontally in front of the computer. Nick Valentine holds the rope, his jaw clenched, sweat breaking out on his forehead. All this time Nick Valentine is watching on the Bra-cam monitor turns his head upside down to get a look at what else Detective Sah sees]

 

Nick Valentine: Type this password: AW96B6 into the computer. Then press ENTER. Go to the files menu, find the Bethesda Chat Button Files. Open "Chat Button List." Put your diskette in. Double click on the Chat Button icon.

[Detective Sah unbuttons her pocket, withdraws a 3.5 disk, and slides it gently into the floppy drive. No alarms go off. Nick wipes the sweat off his forehead again, as he continues to watch the events through the Bra-cam. Trembling he whispers more commands]

Nick Valentine: Ok, good! It's scrolling. OK, now we're going to download. Edit menu. Select "copy to disc". You're downloading. When it's all green it's done.

 

[Suddenly the lights turn on and there is an armed gunman pointing a gun in Detective Sah’s face]

Johnny Silverhand: Good day, Caught you in the act Miss Sah. My name is Johnny Silverhand. I hope you don't mind me dropping in?

Detective Sah: I see I have no choice.

Johnny Silverhand: Life is an endless stream of choices. Unfortunately, you have chosen to make my life more difficult.

Detective Sah: Uh-mm not intentionally.

Johnny Silverhand: Still, I'm sure you won't mind if I help you out a little.

Detective Sah:  I wish you'd quit asking your the one holding the gun ... Nick, can you hear me, who on earth is this guy?

Nick Valentine: I can't see, you will have to get closer

 

[Detective Sah shoves her Bra-cam into Johnny Silverhands face]

Detective Sah: Hurry up he's getting excited, might have to do a lap dance so he doesn't get suspicious

Nick Valentine: WOW ... This guy has a list of aliases as long as my arm. He is known as FBI Agent Johnny Utah in Point Break, as Jonathan Harker in Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Don John in Much Ado About Nothing. He also was called Johnny Mnemonic and John Constantine, and John in Generation Um…, and is also called John Wick, currently goes by the name Johnny Silverhand. He is an influential musician, Rock-man, vocalist, and guitarist of the band Samurai. This guy can multitask, when fighting against evil people, he is also fighting against all evil everywhere. He burned down half the city just to prove he was right and burned the other half just for fun."

Johnny Silverhand: Welcome to Night City. The only limit to what you can do is what you're willing to become. So dream big!

Detective Sah: Uh-hmm yea spare me the self-motivation lecture … about the Chat Button, where is it?

Johnny Silverhand: What Chat Button? we don't need your Chat Button we got lots of buttons of our own all over the place, there are buttons inside lifts, buttons outside lifts ext

Detective Sah: I get the picture, but the note said you guys stole the Chat Button

Johnny Silverhand: Look it's a setup, the only thing we want to steal is your FNIS Fores New Idles Technology, we got very bad T-Pose issues, we have someone on the inside that is willing to help us

Detective Sah: Name … I want a name!

Johnny Silverhand: The name is Beth, that's all I know and she got nice legs

Detective Sah: Why are telling me all this, why are you helping me?

Johnny Silverhand: Because I'm running out of John names, the best I can come up with is Johnny Walker

Detective Sah: Try Keanu, that sounds like a nice name

Johnny Silverhand: Yea real funny ... You can find this Beth woman on the Bethesda web site, Here let me mark it on your map

 

Time Agent Sah’s Personal Log. All this time she has been on a wild goose chase, lucky there are no rabbit holes or she really be stuck. This Beth woman with the nice legs was pulling all the strings from the very start. Desperate times need desperate measures so I'm off to the Commonwealth to meet up with a paranormal expert who might be able to shed some light into my button investigation. Nick Valentine has stayed back in WARSAW and will catch up with me later after he teaches Johnny Silverhand how to use the G string-Cam, combine it with the Bra-Cam and your the ultimate spy.

 

Fallout 4 - Commonwealth

 

[A few days later in Sanctuary]

Mama Murphy: Oh, that's wonderful. Just listen to me, acting' the crazy old lady. It's the chems, you see. They give ole Mama Murphy the "Sight." Been that way since I was a girl.

Detective Sah: Don't have any Med-X but I've got some Moon Sugar if you want?

Mama Murphy: No don't worry. *cough* Old Mama Murphy can handle a little Skyrim, A-grade Moon Sugar. Ain't nothing' wrong with a bit o' kick. Don't let nobody tell you otherwise.

Detective Sah: I don't think that would go down very well in rehab

Mama Murphy: Oooh... It just makes everything feel good, don't it? I'm starting to see clearly...

Detective Sah: The button, can you see the button?

Preston Garvey: Can you see any settlements that's need our help?

Mama Murphy: I can see a bit of what was, and what will be. And even what is, right now.

Preston Garvey: Wish she could have see a bit of what was a month ago, when there were 20 of us. Yesterday there were 8. Now, we're 5. You did not see the Ghouls in Lexington. Or this mess

Mama Murphy: Oh shush, Preston. We're all gonna die eventually. We need the Sight. And our new friend here, she's gonna need it too.

Detective Sah: What I need is an old pre-war F.C. A standardized Fusion Core. Your high-grade, long-term nuclear battery. Mr happy ran out out of juice last night...

Mama Murphy: You're a woman out of time. Out of hope...

Preston Garvey: That's an understatement

Mama Murphy: But all's not lost. I can feel... your buttons energy. It's alive.

Detective Sah: After last night disaster my buttons energy is dead as a … Oh your talking about the Personal Chat Button aren't you? …. can you see it, where is it?

Mama Murphy: Oh, I wish I knew, kid. I really do. But it's not like I can see your button. I can just... feel its life force, It’s energy. Your button out there. But right now I can see there's something coming. Drawn by the noise, and the chaos.

Detective Sah: Can you see if they might have any old pre-war standardized Fusion Cores?

 

[Next morning]

Preston Garvey: Another settlement has sent word that they need our help.

Detective Sah: What, where at? … quick quick tell me, hurry up and give me directions

Preston Garvey: A settlement that's being threatened by Super Mutants.

Detective Sah: Hurry up, hurry a settlement needs my help … quick must save settlements

Preston Garvey: Whats up with her?

Mama Murphy: She was a little depressed last night with Mr Happy battery issues, so gave her some advice to take one Jet every 12 hours

Detective Sah: Yes yes … 12 Jet every 1 hour … must hurry ...tick tock

Preston Garvey: You keep this up, and your going to make a name for yourself. Not a good name, mind you, but who cares?

 

[Suddenly even though its daylight the lights turn on and there is an armed gunman pointing a gun in Detective Sah’s face]

Strong: Good day silly little human, Caught you in the act Miss Sah. My name is Strong. I hope you don't mind me dropping in.

Detective Sah: I see I have no choice.

Strong: Bah! Boring game.

Detective Sah: Uhmm not intentionally.

Strong: Strong smash puny human. sure you won't mind Strong help you out a little.

Detective Sah: I wish you'd quit asking your the one holding the gun, duh it's obvious you're going to help anyway

Strong: Huh? Strong confused.

Detective Sah: Have you got any spare pre-war standardized Fusion Cores?

Strong: Huh? Now Strong very confused.

Detective Sah: Never mind ... Do you know anything about the stolen Personal Chat Button?

Strong: Yes, some woman named Beth with nice legs sold us Top-Secret plans for Portable Private Chat Wrist Buttons?

Detective Sah: Yea right? Like that would work?

Strong: Oh Yeah! ... Let me show you silly little human

...

BEEP BEEP BEEP …. BOOM!

 

 
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The Institute

 

[Please understand this is a very low level production on a $100 budget so don't expect to much ... Suddenly the lights turn on and there is an armed gunman pointing a gun in Detective Sah’s face]

Institute Scientist: Good day, Caught you in the act Miss Sah. My name is Institute Scientist. I hope you don't mind me dropping in?

Detective Sah: I see I have no choice.

Institute Scientist: Life is an endless stream of choices. Unfortunately, you have chosen to make my life more difficult.

Detective Sah: not intentionally.

Institute Scientist: Still, I'm sure you won't mind if I help you out a little.

Detective Sah:  I wish you'd quit asking your the one holding the gun

Institute Scientist: I'm glad you decided to meet with me

Detective Sah: So, your the one who stole the Bethesda Personal Chat Button? ... where is it?

Institute Scientist: It's come to my attention that you've been rather disruptive of our operations lately.

Detective Sah: I do what people want me to do. If that's a problem for you, I can see only one way out

Institute Scientist: And what's that, Detective Sah?

Detective Sah: I was hoping you wouldn't ask

Institute Scientist: we did not steal your personal chat button, but who do you think got in contact with us?

Detective Sah: oh I was hoping you wouldn't ask

Institute Scientist: some lady with nice legs, she tried to sell us plans for Personal Synth Chat Buttons

Detective Sah: did she leave a name?

Institute Scientist: who else do you think it was?

Detective Sah: I really hope you would stop asking 

Institute Scientist: If it was up to me I would go to the beach ... but Father insisted I must help you

Detective Sah: Father?

Institute Scientist: her name was Beth!

Detective Sah: Beth?

Institute Scientist: I don't think you fully understand the situation you're in?

Detective Sah: I was hoping you wouldn't ask

 

Time Agent Sah's Personal Log: I think I am way over my head with this case, like I have all the clues but simply cant put my finger on the mastermind behind the stolen chat button, I have one last contact to see and if they cant help ... then I call in an old favor

 

[last contact]

David Attenborough: We are here roaming the great plains of Bethesda and if we are lucky we might attract the attention of the Bethesda Personal Chat Button

David Attenborough: By nature The Bethesda Personal Chat Buttons, they are very solitary creatures and can be found all over the Bethesda Forum Community's, and can be very deadly and even aggressive if you press them to hard, many of members have lost fingers to its deadly bight

David Attenborough: We have brought along our tranquilizing gun so we don't kill the Personal Chat Button… we really hope to capture one alive and get to see it up close

 

Time Agent Sah's Personal Log: the good thing about being a time Agent is that you get to meet other time travelers, and Its at this point in time to bring out my big ace, a Man who owes me big time, a Man whose very name represents hope for some and fear for others, a Man that has saved countless worlds, a Man who can solve any problem ... this Mans name is the Doctor

 

T.A.R.D.I.S

 

[Hhhhhhhhuuuuuuuu hhhhhhhhuuuuuuu vweeep vweep vweep rrrhhhhhhhuuuuuhhhhh ... TARDIS landing sound effect ... TARDIS door opens, out walks the Doctor and Sah, no need for titles and formality]

Doctor: come on Sah cheer up, we have arrived

Sah: why does everything you wear look like it’s bearing a grudge?

Doctor: are you still upset I have regenerated into a woman?

Sah: no its not that but

Doctor: but what?

Sah: its about explaining my last personal log entry. Quote: "a man who owes me big time, a man whose very name represents hope and fear for others, a man that has saved countless worlds, a man who can solve any problem, this mans name is the Doctor" ... pretty messed up eh?

Doctor:  no problems Sah, I am the same man or 12 men all in this woman body, I am still the same Doctor

Sah: whats the name for that?

Doctor: I must thank you again for helping me that time with the Weeping Angels you saved the universe that day

Sah: it was nothing

Doctor: nothing! ... it was brilliant ... you thought about using sledgehammers! ... would never have thought about using a sledgehammer

Sah: its dark in here where are we?

 

[a buzzing sound echos as the Doctor pulls out her sonic hand bag and lights up the place]

Doctor: we are 2000 years in the past and this is Tutankhamun Tomb, he was an Egyptian pharaoh of the 18th dynasty during the period of Egyptian history known as the New Kingdom or sometimes the New Empire Period

 

[Sah pulls out her sword and shield and gets into her fighting stance]

Sah: OK stand back Ive got this

Doctor: got what?

Sah: any moment now Tutankhamun will pop out of his sarcophagus and start shooting thunderbolts at us

Doctor: no he wont

Sah: ohhh yes he will

Doctor: Sah this is Earth not Skyrim, things don't pop out of tombs trying to kill you

Sah: yea right tell that to Dracula

Doctor: uhhh?  I forgot about him

Sah: I don't get it? why bring me here? ... we are suppose to be looking for the Personal Chat Button?

Doctor: I just thought it would be a good way to kill my TV ratings some more

Sah:  yea about that ... only some kinky clothing will save your ratings

Doctor: come on Sah hurry up, Ive just regenerated into a woman, I want to start multi tasking and do something emotional

Sah: I would stick with the kinky clothing

Doctor: Don’t worry. I’ve got a plan….Well, I will have by the time we get to the TARDIS ... these legs definitely used to be longer!

Sah: yea karma is like that, teach you a lesson to make 900 year of bad women jokes

Doctor:  Sah whats that in your hand?

Sah: its a bottle of Coke, I got it from when you took me to the year 2021 so I can get the new Skyrim Anniversary Edition

Doctor: ahh OK, hurry up I'm going to check the toilet seat and then we are off to Bethesda

 

[The Doctor walks back to the TARDID ... Sah walks up to King Tutankhamun Sarcophagus and places the empty Coke bottle on it]

Sah: this Coke bottle will blow there minds when they dig this place up in 2000 years

 

[moments later Hhhhhhhhuuuuuuuu hhhhhhhhuuuuuuu vweeep vweep vweep rrrhhhhhhhuuuuuhhhhh ... TARDIS landing sound effect]

Doctor: I don't understand whats going on?

Sah: welcome to my world

Doctor: there is nothing here at these space and time concordance

Sah: what no Personal Chat Button?

Doctor: nothing ... no Bethesda no nothing ... everything is gone, there is just a black hole or what us Time Lords would call ... The Discord Paradox

Sah: Discord Paradox?

Doctor: its the only explanation I can think of, its a state of existence where everything has been consumed and there nothing else left but one big gigantic Chat Button

Sah: wait a minuet! ... so your telling me that the stolen Personal Chat Button has consumed all of Bethesda and has everyone under its control?

Doctor: couldn't have said it better my self ... brilliant eh?

 

[suddenly a door appears out of thin air, out walk Three Armed TVA Agents who are pointing there Time Sticks in Sah's face]

Hunter B-15: Variant Identified

Sah: I beg your pardon?

Hunter B-15: I said Variant Identified

Sah: ohh for a moment I thought you where the Three Hired Thugs ... you know? ... "We're here to teach you a lesson!"

Hunter B-15: On behalf of the Time Variance Authority, I her by arrest you for crimes against the sacred time line. hands up you're coming with us

Sah: what? ... hey!? ...  who are you calling a Variant? ... some help Doctor!

Doctor: your on your own Sah ... I just got a distress call from across the other side of the universe, got to run, there might be a chance of saving my TV ratings after all

 

[ Hhhhhhhhuuuuuuuu hhhhhhhhuuuuuuu vweeep vweep vweep rrrhhhhhhhuuuuuhhhhh - Back on the TARDIS, The Doctor reads the distress call on the main view screen, Location: Riverwood Skyrim, End of Universe Outcome: Imminent]

Guards in Riverwood are asking for any assistance in connection with an incident. At approximately 4 pm, Guards were dispatched to the city center in response to a complaint of an aggressive chicken. 

Although Guards reached the location a few minutes of the call, the chicken apparently anticipated the imminent arrival of law and fled on foot from the scene. 

According to the complaint, the chicken had been terrorizing NPC's all week. Locals told guards that the chicken chased customers, attempted to enter customer bags and on a number of occasions, and failed to engage in proper social distancing. Despite patrols of the area, the chicken could not be located. Guards are looking for a reddish-tan chicken, approximately 18” tall and 6-8 lbs in weight. 

The chicken is wanted on charges of assault, attempted battery, attempted burglary, terrorizing and ignoring the law. Given the chicken’s history of aggressive behavior, the public is urged to avoid confronting the fowl and to instead, contact your local guards if seen.

 

Doctor: brilliant eh?

 

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