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An open letter to fellow mod authors


Selene310187

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It's a story about life and never giving up.

 

Trigger warning: In the following text, I will talk about depression and things which are connected to it.

 

 

I recently learned that a mod author took his life at the beginning of 2022. Because I wanted to know his reasons, I did dig deeper and I’m not sure anymore if I should have done this in the first place. I found his last video. Since I want to respect him, I will not talk about how I found the video and not mention his reasons. I will talk about me and my ongoing journey instead.

If I haven’t become acquainted with the game “The Elder Scrolls IV – Oblivion” in 2006, .... Playing the game and later creating mods for it helped me going through dark times. I struggled with constant bullying in school, many years without a job and the feeling of not belonging anywhere. Everything resulted in a major depression and chronic one afterwards with suicidal thoughts popping up from time to time when I hit rock bottom. I learned to live with it. I’m under psychological treatment since 2010 seeing my neurologist quarterly. I also underwent cognitive-behavioral therapy in 2015/2016 (?) which didn’t help much because I wasn’t ready at this time.

2018, after uncountable trials and tribulations, I finally found the reason why I struggle socially, having the fear of rejection (IRL and online) and problems finding true friends in my new hometown (luckily, I found a couple of new friends a few years ago):

 

I’m on the autism spectrum - yes, now it's out.

 

I took me 4 years to accept this diagnosis and talk about it publicly outside of family and friends. The first ones I informed where my sister, my mother and my close friends in 2018. For a long time, I wanted that nobody outside of this circle should know it as I wasn’t sure if it really was autism since I was also diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD (which is often called ADD). Now I think that I may have both.

At the beginning of August 2022, after a dispute with my colleague, which was the last straw, I disclose my diagnosis to my employer. I know that disclosure can backfire but I couldn’t remain silent any longer. But I was sure that my boss is more open as he offered internships to people with psychological/physical difficulties in the past (I got this job, which is also my first one, through this internship btw; I’m really glad that he employed me in February 2020). And I was right, he was very understandingly towards me. He even suggested that I could disclose my Autism diagnosis to my colleagues as well during a joint breakfast. Well, I can say it was one of the best decisions in my life. The acceptance and openness I received were quite overwhelming.

So why I’m telling you all this? Because I’m not the only one who struggles in life. Because I don’t want that another mod author takes his or her life, never realizing that they and their contributions were indeed appreciated by other people. You may think that you didn’t get noticed and/or are not popular enough (I sometimes think this as well, damn social anxiety...). There are just so many people out there who enjoy your mods but cannot show you that. Maybe they simply forget it because they are so enthralled modding/playing the game, are shy, have their mind full with things bothering them, etc. In most cases, you and the quality of your work are not the reason for a lack of recognition.

 

If life is overwhelming you negatively, please, talk to someone, be it family, friends, self-help groups or institutions who know how to handle such problems (e.g. crisis line). There are also apps which can help in difficult situations like “TalkLife”.

It may take long but life will get better someday. For many years, I thought that I will never succeed at anything, being a complete failure and thinking that the things I was actually successful at are not a big deal.

 

You are not alone. Hang in there, stand your ground and don’t give up hope.

 

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Thanks for sharing, there are actually quite a few people in the modding community with various Autistic-Spectrum disorders (obsessively dedicating your time to a project and poring over minute details, who knew).

So, let me be the first to say, you're not weird. This isn't something you should feel you need to keep hidden - Autistic Spectrum disorders are disabilities, not mental illnesses.

That said - should anyone feel they want to say something mean... just don't try it.

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I was diagnosed with Major Depression in 1995.  It had been with me since I was a teenager, for such a long time in fact that I had come to believe that my depressive state was my real personality.  I was put on anti-depressants and underwent five years of three-times-a-week psychotherapy.  I was taken off drugs and therapy in 2000.  After a couple of good years I had a relapse of depression in 2002. 

The only thing that kept me going during this time was Morrowind.  I spent as much as eight hours a day modding and playing.  Modding gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  Bethesda's forums were another great part of my life during this time.  I had lost contact with friends and was becoming alienated from my family so the wonderful people I got to know on the forums were my main lifeline to humanity. 

Focusing on the minutia of modding kept my mind occupied, kept me from dwelling on failures, mistakes, regrets.  It was an escape.  And I suppose spending so much time in the Construction Set and visiting a fantasy world as a fictional character might be seen as unhealthy by some.  But I believe these things kept me alive, gave me a reason to want to keep living.  Making mods and playing Morrowind was something to care about at a time when I had lost interest in life. 

I know I should have gotten help again, but I was beyond caring anymore.  I was still feeling exhausted from the five years of therapy and I didn't feel I had the energy to go through that again.  I withdrew into myself so completely that in 2003 I was divorced and lost custody of my daughter.

I eventually got to know another modder in Bethesda's forums named Brash.  She was reckless enough to invite me to move in with her.  In November 2003 I moved from Atlanta Georgia to Portland Oregon to live with Brash and her four daughters.  I am pleased to report that we are still together today (she is sleeping beside me as I type this).  

During those first years in Oregon I had no health care and no steady income so I had to get better on my own.  A regimen of daily exercise and improved diet, among other things, helped to stabilize my mood.  The love and care of Brash helped enormously.  My daughter resumed contact with me in 2011 which also contributed to improving the state of my mental health. 

So I empathize with anyone who has been through hard times and sought respite from mental distress in modding.  Believe me, I know all too well how it feels.  It has taken many decades, but today I think - I hope - I am mostly depression free. And modding has played a significant part in that.  I sincerely believe I might not be here today writing these words if it were not for Morrowind and modding and the friends i have made in the modding community.  

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14 hours ago, Sigurð Stormhand said:

Thanks for sharing, there are actually quite a few people in the modding community with various Autistic-Spectrum disorders (obsessively dedicating your time to a project and poring over minute details, who knew).

I believe a hub for mod authors on the spectrum where we can exchange knowledge, ideas, problems,... would be a great idea. Some people may think of a Discord but the problem is that I'm not the person who loves to take part in chats (I use Discord only when I have to like getting mods which you can't get elsewhere).

 

2 hours ago, Pseron Wyrd said:

I spent as much as eight hours a day modding and playing.

Yes, I can relate to that a lot. Working through the nights solving bugs in a script for example. When I overdid it, a burnout was often the consequence. If this happened, I couldn't work on any of my projects for weeks or months depending on the severity of the burnout. Now I know that I need to conserve my limited energy better.

 

2 hours ago, Pseron Wyrd said:

I know I should have gotten help again

I took a cure in 2012. Everything was fine for half a year until my performances in the second apprenticeship began to drop steadily. After receiving the dismissal I've fallen in another hole again. My fault was to interrupt the psychological treatment right after the cure because I thought that I didn't need it anymore. I would not have fallen so deep after this turning point. I needed about a year to recover. Maybe it was more or less. Many things which happened in this time are behind some kind of veil so my memory is vague.

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I've never experienced anything like what's described above by Selene or Pseron. Lucky me? I don't know! At least I agree with Sigurð Stormhand and I can try to understand which is nearly impossible. I lost my youngest son at the age of 19, now over 8 years ago, caused by an accident, but looking at his latest selfies, depression was most probably the cause of the accident. I would normally not disclose that here, but the openness of Selene and Pseron made me do it.

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I'm sorry for your loss, Altbert. I venerate your courage to be open despite your concerns.

 

It took me a lot of effort to publish this letter. I wasn't sure how well these serious topics are received by the community. I believed there are a lot of people who still think that it's a taboo to bring such topics up. But, in the end, it was a good idea to take the leap into the unknown.

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An excellent post and a topic well worth discussing, Selene!  Thank you for sharing, and, by doing so, maybe helping others to see things in a better light.  Things may not always be easy - in fact, often they are not, but one still must try, and hope for the best!

When we are children, we often think that when we are adults, we will be happy all the time, but then, when in time we do become adults, we discover that life is filled with valleys, and possesses only the occasional peaks of happiness.  Yet it is those peaks that keep us going when we are in the valley of despair.  And oft times, those peaks are just simple things - walking outside on a morn, with the air smelling fresh and good, like newly turned earth; or gazing at a distance bridge, of an evening and seeing its lights, like a diamond necklace gracing the neck of night; or perhaps, just seeing a beautiful woman or handsome man walking by, their face lit with a smile of some secret joy, known only to them.  For not all things that bring happiness are writ large, as fireworks or grand celebrations - sometimes they are simple and natural, as a breeze blowing on a spring day, or ripples upon the surface of a pond - for the world abounds with beauty, and treasures to be found - one need only open one's eyes.

And it is good to remember those good times, so often infrequent and unappreciated at the time, for it is those things that keep us all going, and the hope that, when we least expect it, we will encounter and experience them again - and the knowledge that no matter how depressed we may feel, each new day is as another page in a book - not yet revealed or read, and with no knowing what joy it may bring - even if those that went before brought none.

So, one must always keep up hope - and regardless of how things seem, realize that good things may lie just around the corner - and one of the first steps that one can take to realize that, is by sharing feelings with others - for many a time, that in itself brings surcease to the doubts and worries that plague us, and allows others to aid in the bringing forth of new joys - both to ourselves, and to them.

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On 10/3/2022 at 11:59 AM, Selene310187 said:

 

I believe a hub for mod authors on the spectrum where we can exchange knowledge, ideas, problems,... would be a great idea. Some people may think of a Discord but the problem is that I'm not the person who loves to take part in chats (I use Discord only when I have to like getting mods which you can't get elsewhere).

I'll send you a PM. I'm a bit slow so pester me if I don't get it out by Friday

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Hello; this one is new here. Way back in '02 or '03, I found myself swamped with social interaction. Morrowind gave me much-needed breathing space.

I also have autism; perhaps that's why I nearly always play a Khajiit. Who knows?

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Welcome, tigerseptim :).

 

36 minutes ago, tigerseptim said:

I also have autism; perhaps that's why I nearly always play a Khajiit. Who knows?

It somehow reminds me of the Autism-Cat series created by Wilburgur. The anime versions are my favorites:

Spoiler


 


 

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  • 3 months later...
On 10/2/2022 at 9:54 PM, Selene310187 said:

It's a story about life and never giving up.

 

Trigger warning: In the following text, I will talk about depression and things which are connected to it.

 

 

I recently learned that a mod author took his life at the beginning of 2022. Because I wanted to know his reasons, I did dig deeper and I’m not sure anymore if I should have done this in the first place. I found his last video. Since I want to respect him, I will not talk about how I found the video and not mention his reasons. I will talk about me and my ongoing journey instead.

If I haven’t become acquainted with the game “The Elder Scrolls IV – Oblivion” in 2006, .... Playing the game and later creating mods for it helped me going through dark times. I struggled with constant bullying in school, many years without a job and the feeling of not belonging anywhere. Everything resulted in a major depression and chronic one afterwards with suicidal thoughts popping up from time to time when I hit rock bottom. I learned to live with it. I’m under psychological treatment since 2010 seeing my neurologist quarterly. I also underwent cognitive-behavioral therapy in 2015/2016 (?) which didn’t help much because I wasn’t ready at this time.

2018, after uncountable trials and tribulations, I finally found the reason why I struggle socially, having the fear of rejection (IRL and online) and problems finding true friends in my new hometown (luckily, I found a couple of new friends a few years ago):

 

I’m on the autism spectrum - yes, now it's out.

 

I took me 4 years to accept this diagnosis and talk about it publicly outside of family and friends. The first ones I informed where my sister, my mother and my close friends in 2018. For a long time, I wanted that nobody outside of this circle should know it as I wasn’t sure if it really was autism since I was also diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD (which is often called ADD). Now I think that I may have both.

At the beginning of August 2022, after a dispute with my colleague, which was the last straw, I disclose my diagnosis to my employer. I know that disclosure can backfire but I couldn’t remain silent any longer. But I was sure that my boss is more open as he offered internships to people with psychological/physical difficulties in the past (I got this job, which is also my first one, through this internship btw; I’m really glad that he employed me in February 2020). And I was right, he was very understandingly towards me. He even suggested that I could disclose my Autism diagnosis to my colleagues as well during a joint breakfast. Well, I can say it was one of the best decisions in my life. The acceptance and openness I received were quite overwhelming.

So why I’m telling you all this? Because I’m not the only one who struggles in life. Because I don’t want that another mod author takes his or her life, never realizing that they and their contributions were indeed appreciated by other people. You may think that you didn’t get noticed and/or are not popular enough (I sometimes think this as well, damn social anxiety...). There are just so many people out there who enjoy your mods but cannot show you that. Maybe they simply forget it because they are so enthralled modding/playing the game, are shy, have their mind full with things bothering them, etc. In most cases, you and the quality of your work are not the reason for a lack of recognition.

 

If life is overwhelming you negatively, please, talk to someone, be it family, friends, self-help groups or institutions who know how to handle such problems (e.g. crisis line). There are also apps which can help in difficult situations like “TalkLife”.

It may take long but life will get better someday. For many years, I thought that I will never succeed at anything, being a complete failure and thinking that the things I was actually successful at are not a big deal.

 

You are not alone. Hang in there, stand your ground and don’t give up hope.

 

Man really tanks iam passing for really dark times, so my diagnoses is basically my fault, excluding ADHD type inattentive, I have anxiety, social anxiety, Depression I just don't feel anything for myself and it's normal to even laugh from time to time, and probably drawing conclusions from Delphine's empty head. Psychopathy, not the kind that likes to make others get hurt but the kind that doesn't care or even like it when someone close to them gets hurt, I repress that a lot in myself, plus my addiction to ADHD stimulants that I've been using since I was 6 :) But I will stop I promise skyrim and stimulants saved me last year, I ended a friendship with a nasty fight, harassed a woman, and then smoked crack and came home the next morning, I didn't get hooked on crack/cocaine don't worry, but the sometimes he calls me in the background. 

Well I already wrote/vented here thanks for opening this topic, sometimes we charge a lot many mod creators even ourselves when we just need to wait and make the balloon of life fly, don't blow it because it won't inflate the balloon and you'll just be exhausted, also don't put out the flames that keep you flying, just apreciate the view while it lasts.

So when you land you feel fulfilled and with a sense of accomplishment

English is not my native language so so writing is not my good sorry

PEACE:starwars::volcano::sparta:

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